What I've Learned About the Corporate World This Week, and How To Be a Manager:

Step One: Have lots of meetings at which nothing is decided.
Step Two: Have people below you do the work you were hired to do, and once they've come to an agreement amongst themselves, have more meetings at which you can rip apart their decisions.
Step Three: Throw in the towel just when things seem to be moving along again. Encourage those beneath you to do the same.
Step Four: Within a week, call together those beneath you and yell at them for throwing in the towel.
Step Five: Once a plan is established and approved, overestimate the amount of time it will take to get the job done, and overcharge the department who wants the job to be done.
Step Six: Drag your feet in accomplishing the job, and extend the deadline out at least six times.
Step Seven: Declare the job to be done, even when it isn't, and then take a week or two off. Never check your email during this time. Have all your emails forwarded to the security guard of the building, or to some other person who really just can't give a sh*t about what it is you really do.
Step Eight: When you do return to work, make it impossible for the department you did the job for, to contact you. If they send you an email, refer them to an online form to fill out. Then make it impossible for them to reach that form. Disable the entire site for them if it's possible.
Step Nine: When the department throws the inevitable fit, pretend you can't hear them. And then declare that your entire team is booked solid through the end of next month, and that you'll look into their concerns when you have time next quarter.
Step Ten: Ask for more money before agreeing to fix the work you were initially hired to do, that you totally screwed up. And take 3-hour-long lunches whenever possible.

Master these steps, and you'll be sure to pull in at least $75K a year, minimum. Express any qualms about any of this, and you can watch your salary swirl quickly down the drain. Only those eligible for the Earned Income Credit are allowed to maintain any shred of a conscience.


And yes, I'm bitter. Thanks for asking.